These Famous Quotes By David Sedaris are Funny, But Make a Point

Famous Quotes by David Sedaris
Penlighten brings to you some of the most sought-after quotes by writer David Sedaris, someone who has amassed a lot of fan following. Let's get a glimpse of some of his most powerful utterances.
Penlighten Staff
Last Updated: Mar 26, 2018
"I don't like being left to my own thoughts."
―David Sedaris
David Sedaris, one of the most noted modern-day writers, has been garnering public attention and praise for years altogether. Apart from writing, he is also known for his wonderful dexterity in comedy and humor. He is one writer who follows self criticism and sarcasm in writing. Though it takes real guts to make negative criticism of oneself, Sedaris seems extraordinarily great in this feat. This has earned him the respect from all squares, which is evident from the astonishing reviews that come for his write-ups, let alone the sky-touching sales.

The turning point in his life was his accidental encounter with radio personality Ira Glass. Since then, he has made his piece of creativity public through the audio medium. This also created much stir for him, and there hasn't been any looking back thereafter. There is a whole multitude of quotes that we can read to our amusement. So what's keeping us waiting? Let's scroll down to amuse ourselves with some great quotes from the writer himself.
Funny Quotes of David Sedaris
"Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face."
sedaris face quote
"I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed."
"All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments."
"Weird doors open. People fall into things."
"He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face."
"Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation."
"It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America."
"In my day, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: 'Shut up'."
"If finding an apartment is like falling in love, buying one is like proposing on your first date and agreeing not to see each other until the wedding."
"A good short story would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit."
"Some friendships are formed by a commonality of interests and ideas: you both love judo or camping or making your own sausage. Other friendships are forged in alliance against a common enemy."
"My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect."
"What people call dark and despairing, I call funny."
"I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met."
"You don't ever want to hear 'pray' from a flight attendant."
sedaris flight quote
"Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn't have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it's just the opposite."
"God was someone I wound up turning over and over in my mind each night... Was He punishing me with this meal or was He rewarding me? Did He actively watch me or take me for granted like a fish you don't notice until it's floating on the surface of the tank?"
"If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary."
"If I were president, I would turn the tables and allow the fetus to abort its mother."
"As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts."
"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people but I keep a list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."
"You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger."
"Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
"I like nonfiction books about people with wretched lives."
"There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows."
"Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it."
sedaris wedding quote
"All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints."
"It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters."
"My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining."
David Sedaris Quotes on Love and Marriage
"Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you."
"Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute."
"In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment."
sedaris divorce quote
"We can't profess love without talking through hand puppets."
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings."
"The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy."
"I think it's important to take chances."
"I always think it's a good policy to like the people who I like you."
Quotes on Writing by David Sedaris
"I like to reserve the right to write about whatever I like."
"The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing."
sedaris writing quote
"Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it."
"You look back at things like being pinned by the neck. Even when I was hanging there, I thought, 'I can write about this later."
"Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face."
"I've been keeping diaries for 27 years."
"Clatter of a typewriter suggests that you're actually building something."
"I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration."
"When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard."
"I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later."
These were some of the most famous quotes by David Sedaris. Some were inspiring, some were filled with humor, and some with plain sarcasm. Hope to read many more words of wisdom by this great writer.